Is Your Toddler Frustrated Because They Can’t Talk (Yet)?
When it comes to toddlerhood, tantrums are part of the territory. When toddlers are tired, hungry, lonely, or overstimulated, they can be flooded with some pretty big feelings. Frustration is normal. Toddlers often have big ideas that don’t quite match their execution abilities (and even if they did match, their big ideas might still need to be swayed for safety’s sake).
If you’re a parent of a late talker (or suspect it), you might feel like your toddler gets even more frustrated than others or that their outbursts are more magnified.
A recent study from Northwestern confirms this. They found late talkers have severe and/or frequent temper tantrums at nearly double the rate of their peers with typical language skills (Manning, 2019).
In this post, we’ll dive into why late talkers tend to experience more frustration in toddlerhood, how to know if your toddler is frustrated because they can’t communicate, and what to do to help them. You’re not alone in this!
FRUSTRATION AND LATE TALKERS
Before we dig in, let us make clear that this post is primarily about late talkers. If your child isn’t yet talking, but they’re developing typically in all or most other areas, they might be a late talker.
When late talkers have a solid understanding of language, but they struggle to talk, there’s a bit of a mismatch in their skills. There’s a gap between their understanding and their use of language. And this mismatch can be super frustrating to them (and to you, too at times). Late talkers often know what they want to communicate, and are having trouble communicating those needs, wants, thoughts, and ideas in a way that makes sense to others. [Enter frustration].
When toddlers are not able to communicate their frustration with words, they sometimes resort to other behaviors that communicate their frustration. These behaviors can look like:
hitting
crying
kicking
whining
throwing things
even biting
All behavior is a form of communication
All behavior is a form of communication. So kicking or hitting, while they are less desirable behaviors, are sometimes the way late talkers say, “No,” “I want it,” or “I don’t like that!”
It doesn’t make the hitting or kicking okay, but it does help you better understand your toddler and meet them with compassion rather than with shock and disbelief. And anytime you’re able to parent from a place of compassion rather than a place of oh my gosh, are they headed down the road of incarceration?, it’s a much better position. We find the mantra “Your child is HAVING a hard time not GIVING you a hard time,” to be an excellent reframe during the tough times. Keep reading for how to help your frustrated toddler.
typical toddler frustration vs. communication frustration
It can sometimes be tricky to tell what’s typical toddler frustration and what’s frustration due to difficulty communicating. And the truth is, sometimes it’s a mix of both. They are toddlers, after all. Try to consider the overall pattern of their communication attempts to determine whether frustration appears to be a consistent response when they’re having difficulty communicating.
Signs that your toddler’s frustration is due to difficulty communicating:
Persistence and repetition: They keep trying to say the same thing over and over in different ways and get increasingly frustrated when you don’t understand. Your toddler may attempt to use sounds, gestures, or words to convey their message.
Seeking assistance: Some toddlers might seek you out for support in communicating. Perhaps they pull you to what they want, bring you an object, or point at things while making a sound.
Intense reactions: Frustration due to communication difficulties can lead to some big feelings. If your toddler becomes visibly upset, cries, or throws tantrums when their attempts to communicate are not understood, it can suggest that they are experiencing frustration due to not being understood.
Giving up or withdrawal: This might just be the most heartbreaking of all. Some late talkers become defeated when their attempts at communication are not being understood over and over. If your child gives up, becomes quiet, or avoids interactions altogether, it could be a sign that they are discouraged by their communication challenges.
*It’s important to keep in mind that every child is unique, and their behaviors may vary.
If you do see these signs in your child, keep reading! We’ll chat about some really practical ways to help them.
HOW TO HELP YOUR LATE TALKER WHEN THEY’RE FRUSTRATED
We’ve worked with so many families in your situation. Often times, the late talkers we work with can be quick to get frustrated, and resort to some of those less-desirable behaviors we talked about (throwing, kicking, hitting, etc.), to get their point across. As they participate in speech therapy and their parents learn a few strategies to help them at home, we usually see significantly less frustration. Do tantrums still happen? Of course they do. They are still toddlers. But there is for sure a decrease in tantrums when they have other ways to say how what they want or how they feel.
If you’re wondering how to help your late talker decrease frustration, we’ve got you. Some of these tips are going to be things you can try WHEN your toddler is frustrated and some strategies are ideas to try when your toddler is calm and not stressed. So let’s get into it.
ideas for in the moment:
Meet them with compassion: This sets the tone. Parenting out of a place of understanding and empathy reduces fear and stress in your own body and allows you to show up as the leader your toddler needs. Don’t skip this step 💛
Decrease the overwhelm: When your toddler is frustrated that they can’t tell you what they want or need, doing less in that moment, is often best.
less talking: when toddlers are stressed, they have a hard time processing information. We recommend that you slow down, simplify the language you’re using, and listen (with compassion) more than talk. Your presence is enough.
less stimulation: along with decreasing the amount of talking, sometimes gently moving your toddler to a more quiet location can be helpful. Reducing stimulation helps settle their nervous system.
less teaching: times of stress, frustration, and discomfort are not the times to teach a lesson. Your toddler is too busy trying to regulate their uncomfortable emotions to be open to new ideas and higher level reasoning. The teaching can happen when they’re calm again.
Give them the words: When they’re grabbing for things, you can give them the words they might say if they could say it. So you could say something like, “You want the block,” “Oh it’s your turn,” or “You didn’t want the blue cup. You want the red one.”
There should be zero expectation for your toddler to copy the words you say during the moment of frustration. When children are anxious, frustrated, or stressed, it’s even harder for them to access language (language that is already difficult to access in a time of calm). Think of when you’re in a heated argument with someone—it can be hard to find words when you’re experiencing intense emotion.
Use script phrases: It can be really helpful to use consistent language when your toddler is using communication behavior such as kicking, biting, hitting, or throwing things. Script phrases are things you say in a calm, consistent manner, and can sound like:
I won’t let you hit me.
Wait (pair with the sign)
I won’t let you kick me. You can come kick this pillow if you need to.
Meet them where they are at: Acknowledging your child’s attempts at communication and validating their frustration is key. You might say something like, “I see you trying so hard to tell me what you want, and that’s frustrating mommy can’t understand. Can you show me?” or “I know you’re telling me something about the banana. It’s so hard when daddy has a hard time hearing you, huh?” In these ways, you’re letting them know they aren’t alone.
ideas for moments outside of the frustration:
Model the words: When it’s a peaceful, maybe even fun moment, you can model the words and phrases you hope they’ll one day use to communicate in times of frustration. Make sure you’re modeling words like “my turn,” “stop,” “no, “I want it please.” It takes lots and lots of repetition for kids to start using the words they’ve heard for so long.
Introduce sign language: Many late talkers respond well to using sign language. We teach functional signs to the toddlers we work with in therapy. We like to use signs (and even gestures) for words such as:
no (shaking head)
my turn (tapping hand on chest)
want (sign: both hands in front of you, palms facing up. Pull your hands back towards your body while slightly curling up your fingers)
more (sign: bunch your hands so that your fingers touch your thumb and tap your hands together)
all done (sign: hold your hands in front of you, palms facing towards you. Rotate your wrists, so your palms are facing down and away from you.)
specific signs for toys, food, or activities they enjoy (ex: ball, apple, car, etc.)
Related: A Guide to Sign Language for Toddlers
Label emotions: With your toddler in ear short, you can name the emotions you’re experiencing in real time. You might say something like, “I’m frustrated that I can’t get this jar open” or “I’m sad that our time at the beach is over.”
Another helpful way to teach children emotions is by labeling them in books. You might say, “Oh she’s crying! I think she might feel sad the boy took her ball,” or “He looks disappointed that it’s not his turn.”
You can certainly do this with any book your toddler enjoys, but if you’re looking for specific books to help with social-emotional development, you can find some of our favs on Amazon or Bookshop. By labeling emotions, you not only support your toddler in understanding and expressing their own feelings but also provide them with a valuable tool to navigate the frustrations that arise from their communication difficulties.
Get support: We can’t say enough how helpful it is to have support (for your child and for you) during these hard times. There is so much support available! Whether you pursue individual therapy through early intervention programs or join our TalkToddler course, you will be so glad you got the help now. We’ve never met a family who wishes they would have waited.
By implementing these strategies, you can help alleviate the frustration your toddler experiences due to communication difficulties. Remember, patience, giving them the words, offering comfort, and meeting your toddler where they’re at will go a long way in supporting their development and building a strong parent-child connection.
you’re not alone
Carly and Katie are pediatric speech language therapists with over 25+ years of combined experience, but first and foremost, they’re parents–just like you. Between them, they have six kids and they all have unique and different needs.
They’ve supported so many families in your situation. If you have questions, need support, or just want to connect with more families who get what you’re going through, reach out. You are not alone 💛
You can connect with us and other Wee Talkers families on Instagram or in our programs and memberships.
TalkToddler is our digital course for parents of toddlers. It’s all the strategies, support & step-by-step guidance you need to help your toddler talk & communicate more (and the encouragement you need, too).