What To Do When You Can’t Understand Your Toddler

 
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Have you ever stopped to think about how much goes into forming sounds and words to speak?  Speech is a complex motor skill that takes time to fully develop. It’s typical for children to make many speech sound errors when they are learning to talk. Some sounds do not develop until a child is 4, 5, or 6 years old. 

As parents, most of the time we can figure out what they’re trying to say. We can even help out the people who can’t understand our kids as well as we can. The tricky part is figuring out what to do when you can’t understand your child at all! 

Even though it’s normal, it can be really challenging as a parent. (We know it’s soooo hard when they get frustrated and especially hard if it leads to a tantrum or a meltdown!) 

And because we get asked about this a lot, we wanted to share some advice and actionable tips for what to do when you can’t quite make out what your child is trying to tell you!

 

Speech Sound Development

The average age that children learn to say speech sounds correctly is as follows (McLeod & Crowe, 2018):

  • 2 years old: p

  • 3 years old: b, m, n, d, t, h, f, ng, k, g, w, y

  • 4 years old: j, l, z, v, sh, s, ch

  • 5 years old: r, zh, voiced th

  • 6 years old: voiceless th

In addition to looking at the individual sounds, speech-language pathologists also look for use of phonological process. Phonological processes are patterns of errors that typically developing children use to simplify (aka make things easier to say) as they are learning to talk. For example, it’s totally normal for a one-year-old to leave off the ends of words. So, “ba” for “ball” is completely appropriate. 

We won’t be going into detail on this today (if you’re interested in learning more about phonological processes, we have a blog post dedicated to this topic), but we want to give you some tips for how to handle things in the moment. 

Put yourself in their little shoes: Pay attention to your lips, tongue, and jaw the next time you say something. You'll notice so many quick little movements that must be coordinated perfectly for others to understand what we are saying. Pretty amazing, isn't it?!

 

How Much Should You Be Understanding?

First and foremost, know that saying speech sounds imperfectly is a normal part of your child learning to communicate. It can be frustrating for both the parent and the child, for sure, but it’s also totally expected. As your child’s speech develops, their intelligibility will improve. It just takes time! 

In fact, most children’s speech can’t be fully understood until they turn 4.

On average, depending on your child’s age, this is how much of their speech you should expect to be able to understand in context:

  • 1 year old: 25%

  • 2 years old: 50%

  • 3 years old: 75%

  • 4 years old: 100%

It’s completely normal not to be able to understand everything your child says. So when you’re feeling frustrated, try and remember that correct production of speech sounds takes time to fully develop and that they are learning, growing, and trying their best everyday. 

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Tips for when you don’t understand your toddler

As you can see, not fully understanding your toddler is normal, but we want to make sure you have some tips use in the moment to help.

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Get down at thier level

This may seem obvious, but it truly makes a big difference. Imagine trying to talk to someone more than twice your height. It would be pretty challenging! Getting face-to-face, when you can, really helps. It helps you see their face which can give you more clues. It also communicates that you’re present, willing to listen, and you’re in it with them.

Give it your best guess

If you can grab one or two words, repeat those and get a sense of if you’re on the right track (in our experience, toddlers are excellent at telling us when we are off base 😉)⁣. Try repeating back the parts you DID understand. Something like, “You jumped high and what happened?”⁣ Trying your best to guess based on the context of the situation, or what has happened recently in your child’s life, can actually take you a long way. You can think about places your child has visited, people they see, things they’re learning, or books they like. Anything you think might be inspiring them to communicate with you in that moment is on the table. You might be surprised at how much you can figure out with a little detective work! If you’re not totally sure what your child is saying, our advice is to guess!

And, if you do figure out what they’re trying to say, repeat it back to them. This will help them learn, because they’ll get to hear the correct production of the sounds from you. 

Acknowledge their attempts

Like we mentioned, speech is tricky. As stated above, you don’t have know know all of what they are saying. If you can catch part of it, say things like: ⁣

-”I know you’re telling me about ___. You’re trying so hard to use your words.”

-”I’m listening. Can you say it one more time?”

-”You’re pointing to the pantry, are you talking about something in the pantry?”

If you’re in the car and you can’t see them:

-”I want to know what you said⁣.”

-“You’re trying so hard; It’s hard when I don’t understand what you’re saying.”

-“Do you think you could show me when we get home?⁣”

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Put some of the ownership on yourself

Here are some examples of things to say to them to help validate their communication and let them know it’s not their fault. They truly are trying their best!

For when you can’t see them (like while driving):

-”I want to understand, it’s noisy on the freeway, can you tell me again?”

-”It’s hard when I can’t see you! I want to hear what you’re saying.”

For other occasions:

-”I’m doing my best to understand you.”

-”Uhhh I’m so sorry. Daddy’s trying.”

Ask them to show you

For example, if they are standing in front of the fridge, saying something you can’t quite make out, try picking them up and asking them to show you. They may be able to point something out to help you understand what they are saying.

If they are saying something you don’t understand, and pointing down the hall, ask them to show. Let them take your hand and lead you to what they are talking about.

⁣And sometimes despite our best efforts, it’s just a crummy situation to not understand your toddler and you have to move on. But you can find comfort in knowing that by trying these tips you’re doing your best to stay connected and keep communication a positive experience of your child.

Related post: Is your toddler frustrated because they can’t talk yet? ⁣

 

Should you correct them?

In short? No, we wouldn’t recommend trying to correct them. 

For example, if they say, “A boggie” when trying to say “doggie”, simply respond by saying, “Yes, that’s a doggie.” See how that is different from correcting them? You’re simply providing a model of how to say it correctly. It can be helpful to get down to their level so they can see how you’re moving your mouth, but don’t expect them to be able to copy it perfectly or force them to repeat it correctly. They might not have the ability to do so -- yet.

 

Keep It Positive

Always keep communication with your child a positive experience!

This is a big one that we remind parents of all the time, because even though it sounds simple, it’s not always easy! We totally understand that.

We know it can be frustrating in the moment sometimes (for you and for your child). Those days are hard! So when it gets a little stressful, try to take a few breaths and remember that they are trying their best, and you are too. 

Reassure your child, and let them know you’re doing your best to understand. Remind yourself that it will get easier with time.

The more we can do to keep communication positive, the more our kids will want to engage with us again next time. 

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When to seek a speech assessment

If you have concerns about your child’s speech development, we would recommend you see a speech-language pathologist for an assessment. You know your child best!


Signs of a speech sound disorder in young children include:

1–2 years:

  • Not saying p, b, m, h, and w the right way in words most of the time  

2–3 years:

  • Not saying k, g, f, t, d, and n the right way in words most of the time.

  • Being hard to understand, even to people who know the child well. 

 

Download Speech & Language Milestones

Wondering if your child is developing speech and language skills as expected for their age? 

Download our free milestones checklist so you know where your child is at now, and what they’ll be learning next!

 

References: 

 
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